Nostalgia- My Memories of 2019

2019.. Last year of the decade! A lot has happened to me in these past 12 months!

For me, the year started on a dull note. So much confusion about choosing between obligation and dreams. This was maybe because it would have been easier if I had one particular dream. I had stopped believing in dreams a long time ago. Yes, I'm a person who's more on the practical side. There have been many such experiences over the years which made me quite practical and cold. I didn't have many friends, to be precise just one friend who could do anything for me. But I couldn't make myself reciprocate even half the niceness and selflessness she showed towards me. I blamed myself for being the way I was. But it was much better not to get too attached to someone when you know everyone leaves in the end. No one or nothing is permanent. Everything has an end. It's inevitable like the year ended even if you wanted it not to!!

I had given up on myself because people around me had lost hope on me. I was never the teacher's favorite or the smartest student but I was a student, who teachers thought had some potential to achieve something. But everything changed as I lost confidence in myself, and started doubting my own caliber. I used to sit at home skipping classes, reading a lot of books and watching television shows, in a hope that somehow my life would become half as good as those books or shows!

I stared excluding myself from everyone and was living my life through the characters I read about in the books. It was much easier than going out and feeling out of place all the time or feeling like someone out there was constantly making fun of me or saying mean things or laughing at me.

In between all this came my board exams. I did my best and was really satisfied with what I had written in the exam. I felt the old myself, who was confident and knew she is smart enough. But the results said something different. I didn't even score near the expected percentage because of which I locked myself in my room for two weeks and was not willing to talk to anyone. Half of the time, I used to sleep and the other half, when I was awake, I used to curse the board and cry. My friends & family members tried a lot in convincing me that I was much better than the marks and those numbers would not matter anyway. But what they didn't know was that I had failed myself, I had failed in my efforts and most importantly I had failed everyone else who trusted in me.

In the coming weeks, mom used to cook all my favorite dishes and dad ordered something new every other day to lighten my mood for which I’m really grateful to them. 

After two weeks I came in terms with reality, that nothing can be changed.

Then started the most dreaded part of the year; "The college admissions".

I wasn't very excited because I knew I didn't stand a chance to get into the colleges I had planned. The procedure of filling out forms and submitting them was mentally tiring. 

In the first list itself, I got SIES, Nerul. I kept telling myself it's not that bad! Got admitted! I also checked the other colleges' lists, which simply reminded me that how it was not me who was taking the shots, but the other way around.

The time period before the college started was kind of weird because there was the excitement of stepping into college life and the fear that I would end up alone sitting in one corner of the room.

Mumbai was totally a new city for me and I was well aware that half the kids would be knowing each other because of the same schools or through friends. And here I am not even knowing a single person. Everyone was a stranger to me. On the first day, I was sure it's gonna be the same as earlier. But then luckily, I met some people who seemed good and kind-hearted, because they accepted me and started talking to me as I couldn't gather the courage to talk first.

Few days went by, everything was good and I was starting to believe that I also can make friends. The once confident, a bit funny, and the one who could truly trust people self was coming back. And with this came Rotaract.

Rotaract made me believe in miracles and luck again. It has been such an important part of 2019. Rotaract was like a new start in the new city, leaving behind Nashik and all that happened there.

The first Rotaract event I attended was the Zonal meet. I knew no one but the vibe was so welcoming and comforting that it felt like I knew everyone there. I met so many new people and made friends. I never thought I could mingle so easily with people! I never expected myself to dance so fearlessly without holding myself back as if I was dancing alone in my room! That day I just let myself be the old me.

I even kind off saw someone in that meet! Yeah, I know it’s cliché.

But I couldn’t muster the courage to talk to him, but this stupid heart of mine was pushing me to do something. I didn't want to go home with simple memories of seeing him and so I still remember the way I was roaming talking to myself, collecting the nerves to walk to him and say a Hi! Which I did eventually thinking that I won't see him again. And what could be the possibility to run into the same guy I had seen in the zonal meet. Well, let me tell you the possibility is so much more than you believe it to be.

But what really was surprising for me was to know that he also saw you; like SAW you! And even looked for you in the next few days. And you never know he remembers you from years back and had been looking for you since then. You never know how you would just click with him so much that it feels like you had always known him. You never know he would make you realize that you are capable of caring for someone and you are not as cold and heartless as you thought. You never know what can happen in just a moment. You never know where a sign of small courage from your side can lead to. You wouldn't even know when he became so important to you. You just never know...!

Really this year has taught me how small things can lead to bigger and better things. How some things are just meant to be there, whether it’s good or bad. You cannot change them and you just got to accept them to ultimately realize that whatever happened, it was for a reason!

In the end, I would just say that last year was a good one. I met new people and did what I thought I couldn't!                   

-Anonymous